Me,Myself and I

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Aberdare, South Wales, United Kingdom
I am a seeker of the truth. Honesty & Integrity are very important to me. I am a student of life who Loves to learn from Life and friends. I live by a system of values and honorable principles. I am a harmony seeking idealist. I am keen to understand others,and what makes them tick.I seek ways to improve my mental ability.

Sunday, 28 February 2010

I am facing the Most challenging experience of my lifetime

In the past I have lost loved ones, through death and breakup's and I was devastated. But losing my boys is the most devastating feeling I have ever experienced. It is way beyond anything i could have expected, predicted, or imagined. It is beyond words that I can use to describe how much I hurt. Of all the losses I have experience the feeling of being deserted or not loved by my children is the most painful.

And on top of that Me and my boyfriend just split. This is the first time I have ever been alone, Truly alone. Since leaving home at sixteen I have always had my children with me. When the oldest first went missing, I still had my youngest son  living with me. But now that they have both left home my heart cries out in loneliness and confusion. I am distraught and I feel myself sink into deeper despair and hopelessness every day.

Everyday I am forced to accept the cold reality and the raw pain that I feel in my heart that my boys have moved on, and are growing up and can manage without me. I need to be needed. I long for the connection I used to have with my boys. I long for a text off my youngest saying he misses me My oldest lad does tell me he loves me and misses me but when staying with me recently I felt like he didnt want to be in the same room as me or even the same house. As soon as he woke, he was out the door. He would call back in for his evening meal and then he would go back out. I wouldnt see him then until early hours of the morning. I never felt more alone than I did when he was staying here. Since the first time he left home, he has grown up and his views about life are so different to mine. I sometimes feel like we are strangers in the same house. I try to get close but he keeps me at arms length.

At first when my youngest son left home, having my boyfriend around and my Oldest son would help distract me from my constant thoughts of my baby not being here. But as soon as I thought about this I would feel an overwhelming desire to cry. With all the other disappointments and injustices that have been occuring feeling loved comforted my soul and made my pain bearable. But now I find no relief, as I feel unloved, unwanted, abandoned yet again.

I realise That I cannot change what has happened and that I need to rebuild my life, but not sure where to start or if I can do it alone. When I lost my husband I never truly got over this loss and never found a way to heal my broken heart. I tried! I had new relationships but not a day passed where I didn't think of my ex-husband. Now that I have to have contact with him at times regarding my son, it just rips my heart out and the pain is as intense at the first time he walked out that door.

Being single is devastating but this I fear is my future. Without trust you can't have love and I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. All my life I have trusted people and every person I have trusted as lied to me and let me down. I know I am faced with a new challenge and this will give me the opportunity to heal and strengthen my heart and mind so that I can move on to live the life I dreamed of and to heal myself as a whole. But my fear is that I wont complete this healing process and I will be trapped in this world of despair. It is now eleven years since my Ex-husband and I split but I feel like it was only yesterday.

They say time is a great healer but how much time do I need?


I need to seek help. I am awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist maybe he will be able to help me
I need to grieve the loss, but as my ex recently said in a text I will never lose him as he will always be my son. The lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes, the pain I feel as I write those words is just to much to bear.

It isTime for me to distract myself and go and do something else, as I do not want to spend the rest of the day crying. I Will come back to this later. I think I will take a walk, as I know that I wont cry if there are people around. I do wish that I could go and talk to people who know what I am going through so that I could find new ways of dealing with my losses. Also I could find some comfort and empathy but I have lost my friends and become somewhat of a loner. There is no one I can call, there is no-one I can visit making me feel so alone and unwanted.

2 comments:

  1. i have been reading throught his front page of your journal and all the things i read ring true to myself, how can it be that worlds apart there is someone who feels exactly the way i do and has the same obssesions i do? impossible i say.
    Just know that you are not alone Julie in your search to find meaning and a peace within that cavernous hole that we search to fill. If you feel like a chat or just sharing, although we are a world apart you can look me up on skype or email with pleasure
    hope you have a great day
    smiles
    Paola

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    1. Thank you for comment. i appreciate the time you have taken to read my posts.

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