Me,Myself and I

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Aberdare, South Wales, United Kingdom
I am a seeker of the truth. Honesty & Integrity are very important to me. I am a student of life who Loves to learn from Life and friends. I live by a system of values and honorable principles. I am a harmony seeking idealist. I am keen to understand others,and what makes them tick.I seek ways to improve my mental ability.

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

My Self Observations

My Self-Observations
I am many things

As an observer of my life, I want to write about events that are happening to me and around me. I am a narrator, and the words you will read will be my story that I tell.

Through writing, I hope I can find the wisdom within myself that I need for the future.
Through my writing in my journals, I am hoping I can deal with my fears and insecurities and move forward.

I need to learn new thinking. I need access to my inner thoughts and find answers to my soul searching questions. I need to accept who I am (but who am I?)

I need to learn to love, respect and accept myself for who I am but how can I do this when I don't feel truly loved.

In my life long search to find out who I am and what my soul purpose is.

I have discovered

  • I am Kris and Michael's mother.
  • I am Max's grandmother. 
  • I am Christian's stepmother. 
  • I am  Ann's daughter. 
  • I am  Alison, Anthony, Annmarie, and David's sister. 
  • I am also Mark's and Stephen's sister.(on my dads' side of the family)
  • I am Billy's stepdaughter
  • I am Jason's ex-wife
  • I am Jamie, Kirsty, Liam, and Tilly's aunty.
  • I am also Sherri-leigh and Emily's aunt (through marriage.)
So many titles accompany my name. Julie Richards. My Surname I changed before I got married. I Was once named Loring

  • I am a housekeeper, 
  • Cleaner,
  • Cook, 
  • Nurse, 
  • Teacher, 
  • Friend, 
  • Counsellor, 
  • Researcher. 
But sadly none of those titles tells me who I am.

I find myself searching for love and happiness. I would be happy to receive some gratitude from any of the roles I play. But sadly it rarely happens and this leaves me disheartened. I find joy in giving, but without any feedback I never know if what I have done is acceptable, appreciated or liked.

I would define my identity by my Competence and Independence.
I have been thinking how good it makes me feel to help others.
I find Joy in giving. But have a problem in receiving.
So I need to learn grace and humility and accept the help offered to me, in the spirit it is offered or given.
I must not always think what is this person's hidden agenda.  I have genuine friends. I Just need to be aware of the one's dressed in sheep's clothing.

I know I need to change as I view my Life
I am a perfectionist and suffer from O.C.P.D.

I am self-critical, very volatile, inflexible, critical and impatient.

Sometimes I have difficulty expressing my emotions and saying what I feel.
I blurt out stuff I don't believe and have trouble putting my feelings into words - thus not being able to get the support from others that I need.
I got to be careful what I say as I have a tendency to upset others with my sharp tongue.
I tend to go against the crowd and cause revelation in those around me.
My lack of control over my feelings can cause arguments. These are the times I lack support and have to do things alone.
I feel overwhelmed at times.

I insist on perfection at the expense of my personal emotions and feelings.
I sometimes say things I don't mean,
and I don't always mean what I manage to say.
These are just a few of my personal problems.
I want to find Joy, Happiness, and Love.

Here are a few of my goals that I want to work through....
To have complete control over my life
to master my emotions, and find ways to deal with my emotional pain rather than escaping from it.

Increase my Self-esteem and Self- Confidence.
Find my real purpose and travel the road that leads me to it.

Have a loving and honest relationship with my boys

Find a partner who lives his life by integrity and Can love me for who I am.

I also want to work on my Self - Awareness.

Why do I think these Negative, Anxious, Self-critical thoughts of myself?

Self-Compassion - I need to understand my negative Pessimism, my anxiety, and my self-criticism

What triggers my moods?  How did my negativity protect me in the past and does it still protect me?

I want to move from the past and live more in the present moment.

Julie Richards