Me,Myself and I

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Aberdare, South Wales, United Kingdom
I am a seeker of the truth. Honesty & Integrity are very important to me. I am a student of life who Loves to learn from Life and friends. I live by a system of values and honourable principles. I am a harmony seeking idealist. I am keen to understand others, and what makes them tick. I seem ways to improve my mental ability.

Sunday, 28 February 2010

I am facing the Most challenging experience of my lifetime

In the past I have lost loved ones, through death and breakup's and I was devastated. But losing my boys is the most devastating feeling I have ever experienced. It is way beyond anything i could have expected, predicted, or imagined. It is beyond words that I can use to describe how much I hurt. Of all the losses I have experience the feeling of being deserted or not loved by my children is the most painful.

And on top of that Me and my boyfriend just split. This is the first time I have ever been alone, Truly alone. Since leaving home at sixteen I have always had my children with me. When the oldest first went missing, I still had my youngest son  living with me. But now that they have both left home my heart cries out in loneliness and confusion. I am distraught and I feel myself sink into deeper despair and hopelessness every day.

Everyday I am forced to accept the cold reality and the raw pain that I feel in my heart that my boys have moved on, and are growing up and can manage without me. I need to be needed. I long for the connection I used to have with my boys. I long for a text off my youngest saying he misses me My oldest lad does tell me he loves me and misses me but when staying with me recently I felt like he didnt want to be in the same room as me or even the same house. As soon as he woke, he was out the door. He would call back in for his evening meal and then he would go back out. I wouldnt see him then until early hours of the morning. I never felt more alone than I did when he was staying here. Since the first time he left home, he has grown up and his views about life are so different to mine. I sometimes feel like we are strangers in the same house. I try to get close but he keeps me at arms length.

At first when my youngest son left home, having my boyfriend around and my Oldest son would help distract me from my constant thoughts of my baby not being here. But as soon as I thought about this I would feel an overwhelming desire to cry. With all the other disappointments and injustices that have been occuring feeling loved comforted my soul and made my pain bearable. But now I find no relief, as I feel unloved, unwanted, abandoned yet again.

I realise That I cannot change what has happened and that I need to rebuild my life, but not sure where to start or if I can do it alone. When I lost my husband I never truly got over this loss and never found a way to heal my broken heart. I tried! I had new relationships but not a day passed where I didn't think of my ex-husband. Now that I have to have contact with him at times regarding my son, it just rips my heart out and the pain is as intense at the first time he walked out that door.

Being single is devastating but this I fear is my future. Without trust you can't have love and I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. All my life I have trusted people and every person I have trusted as lied to me and let me down. I know I am faced with a new challenge and this will give me the opportunity to heal and strengthen my heart and mind so that I can move on to live the life I dreamed of and to heal myself as a whole. But my fear is that I wont complete this healing process and I will be trapped in this world of despair. It is now eleven years since my Ex-husband and I split but I feel like it was only yesterday.

They say time is a great healer but how much time do I need?


I need to seek help. I am awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist maybe he will be able to help me
I need to grieve the loss, but as my ex recently said in a text I will never lose him as he will always be my son. The lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes, the pain I feel as I write those words is just to much to bear.

It isTime for me to distract myself and go and do something else, as I do not want to spend the rest of the day crying. I Will come back to this later. I think I will take a walk, as I know that I wont cry if there are people around. I do wish that I could go and talk to people who know what I am going through so that I could find new ways of dealing with my losses. Also I could find some comfort and empathy but I have lost my friends and become somewhat of a loner. There is no one I can call, there is no-one I can visit making me feel so alone and unwanted.

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Empty Nest syndrome.

Empty Nest Syndrome

You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for instance.  ~Franklin P. Jones

It only seems like yesterday he was a babe in my arms. My eldest is twenty four and his name is Kris and my Youngest is Fifteen and his name is Michael

Here is a picture of when they were younger....




My youngest lad has now left home. He moved in with his father on the twenty-fifth  November 2009. I imagined him  leaving home to go to university but not to his dad's. I am pleased that he is at his dad's as I feel he needs a male influence in his life and also someone that he can't manipulate. I feel so much sadness and emptiness since he has gone. This is known as Empty nest syndrome.
   I feel so lost and alone and to say the words I miss Michael/him are very difficult for me as my eyes fill up, a lump appears in my throat and I am overwhelmed with a flood of tears.
  We used to constantly fight of the usual teenage things like, clothes left on floor, bath needing washing out, time for bed but he was here with me. As much as I hated the arguing he was here safe and sound until our relationship got physical. I used to get overwhelmed by little things like housework when my health started to deteoriate. I suffer from a pitting oedema, varicous veins, migraines, He made my life unbearable at times, he was manipulative and would do anything to get his own way. Things got out of hand and I hit him. I will never forgive myself for losing my temper and now that has cost me my son. I have always been volatile but my bark was usually worse than my bite. i swore I would never hit my boys. And now I get reminded of this mistake every day either by my youngest not being here or reminded by lad when he visits.

He said to me one day " Mam you know you only had two wishes that me and Kris had a happy child hood and that we both loved you. Well your not going to get your wish now are you?" Kris left home and went missing for two years and I can't wait to move out and move in with dad"

Well you can imagine those words cut like a knife

  I know his dad will take care of him but I still worry because he is now allowed to drink and swear.   I feel like crying all the time. I feel like my life has ended. I need to be needed and no one needs me any more. I feel a profound loss of purpose and identity I wonder if I was no longer around would I even be missed.. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to visit friends and would prefer if people wouldn't visit me. I have important things to do like sort finances. But Cannot get motivated. The bailiffs have threatened to empty my home and it's only a matter of time. What are material possessions when you have lost the ones you love, and when you have lost your health and your dreams.My future seems bleak, my dreams are gone. I hate what I see when i look in the mirror. I hate who I have become

I know that the Time and energy that I directed toward my lad can now be spent on different areas of my life, but at this time I seem to have lost interest in my interests.

I put my dreams on the back burner, and said to myself, " when the kids have grown  up and left home, I am either going to travel or Go to University and Do my Psychology Degree. Now should be the time to bring those dreams into action, and move forward. But when I said those things I never expected to have health issues where i am unable to take long flights. I need to gain back some confidence to go to Uni. At the moment I am over weight, but the doctor isn't interested in finding out why. I am also suffering from water retention, Swollen feet, I have suffered depression since I was in my teen's and  I have Ocd.(Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder) I have to clean and organise things. The last couple of years I have become obsessed in collecting things e.g Me to you bears. Before that it was any article I could find on psychology on the internet. Now I am into card making, and you wont believe the amount of things I have bought and not yet used! The clutter then gets me down. I also suffer from Trichotillomania

 I have always wanted to start writing, so maybe I could use this spare time to write my story on this blog for my boys before looking for some work. I could also start drawing again. I used to love writing and drawing. I also used to write poetry

I am reminded of the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:4, which says, " A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." Let this be your time to laugh and your time to dance.

Friday, 12 February 2010

Quote

What is the first business of one who practices philosophy? To get rid of self-conceit. For it is impossible for anyone to begin to learn that which he thinks he already knows. - Epictetus, 55 AD-135 AD