You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
It only seems like yesterday he was a babe in my arms. My eldest is twenty four and his name is Kris and my Youngest is Fifteen and his name is Michael
Here is a picture of when they were younger....
My youngest lad has now left home. He moved in with his father on the twenty-fifth November 2009. I imagined him leaving home to go to university but not to his dad's. I am pleased that he is at his dad's as I feel he needs a male influence in his life and also someone that he can't manipulate. I feel so much sadness and emptiness since he has gone. This is known as Empty nest syndrome.
I feel so lost and alone and to say the words I miss Michael/him are very difficult for me as my eyes fill up, a lump appears in my throat and I am overwhelmed with a flood of tears.
We used to constantly fight of the usual teenage things like, clothes left on floor, bath needing washing out, time for bed but he was here with me. As much as I hated the arguing he was here safe and sound until our relationship got physical. I used to get overwhelmed by little things like housework when my health started to deteoriate. I suffer from a pitting oedema, varicous veins, migraines, He made my life unbearable at times, he was manipulative and would do anything to get his own way. Things got out of hand and I hit him. I will never forgive myself for losing my temper and now that has cost me my son. I have always been volatile but my bark was usually worse than my bite. i swore I would never hit my boys. And now I get reminded of this mistake every day either by my youngest not being here or reminded by lad when he visits.
He said to me one day " Mam you know you only had two wishes that me and Kris had a happy child hood and that we both loved you. Well your not going to get your wish now are you?" Kris left home and went missing for two years and I can't wait to move out and move in with dad"
Well you can imagine those words cut like a knife
I know his dad will take care of him but I still worry because he is now allowed to drink and swear. I feel like crying all the time. I feel like my life has ended. I need to be needed and no one needs me any more. I feel a profound loss of purpose and identity I wonder if I was no longer around would I even be missed.. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to visit friends and would prefer if people wouldn't visit me. I have important things to do like sort finances. But Cannot get motivated. The bailiffs have threatened to empty my home and it's only a matter of time. What are material possessions when you have lost the ones you love, and when you have lost your health and your dreams.My future seems bleak, my dreams are gone. I hate what I see when i look in the mirror. I hate who I have become
I know that the Time and energy that I directed toward my lad can now be spent on different areas of my life, but at this time I seem to have lost interest in my interests.
I put my dreams on the back burner, and said to myself, " when the kids have grown up and left home, I am either going to travel or Go to University and Do my Psychology Degree. Now should be the time to bring those dreams into action, and move forward. But when I said those things I never expected to have health issues where i am unable to take long flights. I need to gain back some confidence to go to Uni. At the moment I am over weight, but the doctor isn't interested in finding out why. I am also suffering from water retention, Swollen feet, I have suffered depression since I was in my teen's and I have Ocd.(Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder) I have to clean and organise things. The last couple of years I have become obsessed in collecting things e.g Me to you bears. Before that it was any article I could find on psychology on the internet. Now I am into card making, and you wont believe the amount of things I have bought and not yet used! The clutter then gets me down. I also suffer from Trichotillomania
I have always wanted to start writing, so maybe I could use this spare time to write my story on this blog for my boys before looking for some work. I could also start drawing again. I used to love writing and drawing. I also used to write poetry
I am reminded of the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:4, which says, " A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." Let this be your time to laugh and your time to dance.