Me,Myself and I

My photo
Aberdare, South Wales, United Kingdom
I am a seeker of the truth. Honesty & Integrity are very important to me. I am a student of life who Loves to learn from Life and friends. I live by a system of values and honorable principles. I am a harmony seeking idealist. I am keen to understand others,and what makes them tick.I seek ways to improve my mental ability.

Monday, 5 July 2010

http://www.chiff.com/a/good-parenting.htm

I came across this article at

http://www.chiff.com/a/good-parenting.htm

and thought i would share it with my readers!


Here is a quick overview of the Ten Basic Principles:




1. What you do matters.

“Tell yourself that every day. How you treat and respond to your child should come from a knowledgeable, deliberate sense of what you want to accomplish. Always ask yourself: What effect will my decision have on my child?”



2. You cannot be too loving.

“When it comes to genuine expressions of warmth and affection, you cannot love your child too much. It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love. What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love—things like leniency, lowered expectations or material possessions.”



3. Be involved in your child’s life.

"Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs you to do. Be there mentally as well as physically.”



4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child.

“Make sure your parenting keeps pace with your child’s development. You may wish you could slow down or freeze-frame your child’s life, but this is the last thing he wants. You may be fighting getting older, but all he wants is to grow up. The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained. The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.”



5. Establish and set rules.

“If you don’t manage your child’s behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren’t around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.”



6. Foster your child’s independence.

“Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she’s going to need both. Accepting that it is normal for children to push for autonomy is absolutely key to effective parenting. Many parents mistakenly equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else.”



7. Be consistent.

“If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion, or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it.”



8. Avoid harsh discipline.

“Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side effects is physical punishment. Children who are spanked, hit or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children. They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.”



9. Explain your rules and decisions.

“Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to. Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn’t have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have.”



10. Treat your child with respect.

“The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully. You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others.”



There is no guarantee that following these guidelines will result in perfect parents... remember, there is no such thing!



“Raising children is not something we think of as especially scientific,” says Steinberg. “But parenting is one of the most well-researched areas in the entire field of social science. It has been studied for 75 years, and the findings have remained remarkably consistent over time."



“The advice in the book is based on what scientists who study parenting have learned from decades of systematic research involving hundreds of thousands of families. What I’ve done is to synthesize and communicate what the experts have learned in a language that non-experts can understand.”



Good parenting, says Steinberg, is “parenting that fosters psychological adjustment—elements like honesty, empathy, self-reliance, kindness, cooperation, self-control and cheerfulness.



“Good parenting is parenting that helps children succeed in school,” he continues. “It promotes the development of intellectual curiosity, motivation to learn and desire to achieve. It deters children from anti-social behavior, delinquency, and drug and alcohol use. And good parenting is parenting that helps protect children against the development of anxiety, depression, eating disorders and other types of psychological distress.”



“There is no more important job in any society than raising children, and there is no more important influence on how children develop than their parents.”



Steinberg's other books include You and Your Adolescent: A Parent’s Guide for Ages 10 to 20 (HarperCollins, 1997), Crossing Paths: How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis (Simon & Schuster, 1994), and Beyond the Classroom: Why School Reform Has Failed and What Parents Need to Do (Simon & Schuster, 1996).



Source: Newswise/Temple University

Monday, 8 March 2010

A week of worthiness

Article taken from http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2010/3/8/a-week-of-worthiness.html?lastPage=true#comment7710524



Week of Worthiness. It's all part of the Wholehearted Revolution!




Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough.



It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.


So many of us have knowingly created / unknowingly allowed / or been handed down a long list of worthiness "prerequisites."




I'll be worthy when I lose 20 pounds.



I'll be worthy if I get pregnant.



I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good mom.



I'll be worthy if I can make a living selling my art.



I'll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.



I'll be worthy when I make partner.



I'll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I'm not even trying.



and so on . . .



Here's what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness:



Worthy NOW! Not when. Not if. We are worthy of love and belonging NOW. Right this minute. As is.

To read more pop on over to http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2010/3/8/a-week-of-worthiness.

Sunday, 28 February 2010

I am facing the Most challenging experience of my lifetime

In the past I have lost loved ones, through death and breakup's and I was devastated. But losing my boys is the most devastating feeling I have ever experienced. It is way beyond anything i could have expected, predicted, or imagined. It is beyond words that I can use to describe how much I hurt. Of all the losses I have experience the feeling of being deserted or not loved by my children is the most painful.

And on top of that Me and my boyfriend just split. This is the first time I have ever been alone, Truly alone. Since leaving home at sixteen I have always had my children with me. When the oldest first went missing, I still had my youngest son  living with me. But now that they have both left home my heart cries out in loneliness and confusion. I am distraught and I feel myself sink into deeper despair and hopelessness every day.

Everyday I am forced to accept the cold reality and the raw pain that I feel in my heart that my boys have moved on, and are growing up and can manage without me. I need to be needed. I long for the connection I used to have with my boys. I long for a text off my youngest saying he misses me My oldest lad does tell me he loves me and misses me but when staying with me recently I felt like he didnt want to be in the same room as me or even the same house. As soon as he woke, he was out the door. He would call back in for his evening meal and then he would go back out. I wouldnt see him then until early hours of the morning. I never felt more alone than I did when he was staying here. Since the first time he left home, he has grown up and his views about life are so different to mine. I sometimes feel like we are strangers in the same house. I try to get close but he keeps me at arms length.

At first when my youngest son left home, having my boyfriend around and my Oldest son would help distract me from my constant thoughts of my baby not being here. But as soon as I thought about this I would feel an overwhelming desire to cry. With all the other disappointments and injustices that have been occuring feeling loved comforted my soul and made my pain bearable. But now I find no relief, as I feel unloved, unwanted, abandoned yet again.

I realise That I cannot change what has happened and that I need to rebuild my life, but not sure where to start or if I can do it alone. When I lost my husband I never truly got over this loss and never found a way to heal my broken heart. I tried! I had new relationships but not a day passed where I didn't think of my ex-husband. Now that I have to have contact with him at times regarding my son, it just rips my heart out and the pain is as intense at the first time he walked out that door.

Being single is devastating but this I fear is my future. Without trust you can't have love and I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. All my life I have trusted people and every person I have trusted as lied to me and let me down. I know I am faced with a new challenge and this will give me the opportunity to heal and strengthen my heart and mind so that I can move on to live the life I dreamed of and to heal myself as a whole. But my fear is that I wont complete this healing process and I will be trapped in this world of despair. It is now eleven years since my Ex-husband and I split but I feel like it was only yesterday.

They say time is a great healer but how much time do I need?


I need to seek help. I am awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist maybe he will be able to help me
I need to grieve the loss, but as my ex recently said in a text I will never lose him as he will always be my son. The lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes, the pain I feel as I write those words is just to much to bear.

It isTime for me to distract myself and go and do something else, as I do not want to spend the rest of the day crying. I Will come back to this later. I think I will take a walk, as I know that I wont cry if there are people around. I do wish that I could go and talk to people who know what I am going through so that I could find new ways of dealing with my losses. Also I could find some comfort and empathy but I have lost my friends and become somewhat of a loner. There is no one I can call, there is no-one I can visit making me feel so alone and unwanted.

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Empty Nest syndrome.

Empty Nest Syndrome

You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for instance.  ~Franklin P. Jones

It only seems like yesterday he was a babe in my arms. My eldest is twenty four and his name is Kris and my Youngest is Fifteen and his name is Michael

Here is a picture of when they were younger....




My youngest lad has now left home. He moved in with his father on the twenty-fifth  November 2009. I imagined him  leaving home to go to university but not to his dad's. I am pleased that he is at his dad's as I feel he needs a male influence in his life and also someone that he can't manipulate. I feel so much sadness and emptiness since he has gone. This is known as Empty nest syndrome.
   I feel so lost and alone and to say the words I miss Michael/him are very difficult for me as my eyes fill up, a lump appears in my throat and I am overwhelmed with a flood of tears.
  We used to constantly fight of the usual teenage things like, clothes left on floor, bath needing washing out, time for bed but he was here with me. As much as I hated the arguing he was here safe and sound until our relationship got physical. I used to get overwhelmed by little things like housework when my health started to deteoriate. I suffer from a pitting oedema, varicous veins, migraines, He made my life unbearable at times, he was manipulative and would do anything to get his own way. Things got out of hand and I hit him. I will never forgive myself for losing my temper and now that has cost me my son. I have always been volatile but my bark was usually worse than my bite. i swore I would never hit my boys. And now I get reminded of this mistake every day either by my youngest not being here or reminded by lad when he visits.

He said to me one day " Mam you know you only had two wishes that me and Kris had a happy child hood and that we both loved you. Well your not going to get your wish now are you?" Kris left home and went missing for two years and I can't wait to move out and move in with dad"

Well you can imagine those words cut like a knife

  I know his dad will take care of him but I still worry because he is now allowed to drink and swear.   I feel like crying all the time. I feel like my life has ended. I need to be needed and no one needs me any more. I feel a profound loss of purpose and identity I wonder if I was no longer around would I even be missed.. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to visit friends and would prefer if people wouldn't visit me. I have important things to do like sort finances. But Cannot get motivated. The bailiffs have threatened to empty my home and it's only a matter of time. What are material possessions when you have lost the ones you love, and when you have lost your health and your dreams.My future seems bleak, my dreams are gone. I hate what I see when i look in the mirror. I hate who I have become

I know that the Time and energy that I directed toward my lad can now be spent on different areas of my life, but at this time I seem to have lost interest in my interests.

I put my dreams on the back burner, and said to myself, " when the kids have grown  up and left home, I am either going to travel or Go to University and Do my Psychology Degree. Now should be the time to bring those dreams into action, and move forward. But when I said those things I never expected to have health issues where i am unable to take long flights. I need to gain back some confidence to go to Uni. At the moment I am over weight, but the doctor isn't interested in finding out why. I am also suffering from water retention, Swollen feet, I have suffered depression since I was in my teen's and  I have Ocd.(Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder) I have to clean and organise things. The last couple of years I have become obsessed in collecting things e.g Me to you bears. Before that it was any article I could find on psychology on the internet. Now I am into card making, and you wont believe the amount of things I have bought and not yet used! The clutter then gets me down. I also suffer from Trichotillomania

 I have always wanted to start writing, so maybe I could use this spare time to write my story on this blog for my boys before looking for some work. I could also start drawing again. I used to love writing and drawing. I also used to write poetry

I am reminded of the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:4, which says, " A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." Let this be your time to laugh and your time to dance.

Friday, 12 February 2010

Quote

What is the first business of one who practices philosophy? To get rid of self-conceit. For it is impossible for anyone to begin to learn that which he thinks he already knows. - Epictetus, 55 AD-135 AD

Friday, 1 January 2010

If you haven't forgotten, you haven't forgiven

If you haven’t forgotten, you haven’t forgiven

Posted using ShareThis

Happy New year

The Sounds of Happy New Year
With the holiday season upon us, here's a list that's sure to be a tongue twister. See how Happy New Year is pronounced around the world.
Arabic: Kul 'aam u antum salimoun
Brazilian: Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo means "Good Parties and Happy New Year"
Chinese: Chu Shen Tan
Czechoslavakia: Scastny Novy Rok
Dutch: Gullukkig Niuw Jaar
Finnish: Onnellista Uutta Vuotta
French: Bonne Annee
German: Prosit Neujahr
Greek: Eftecheezmaenos o Kaenooryos hronos
Hebrew: L'Shannah Tovah Tikatevu
Hindi: Niya Saa Moobaarak
Irish (Gaelic): Bliain nua fe mhaise dhuit
Italian: Buon Capodanno
Khmer: Sua Sdei tfnam tmei
Laotian: Sabai dee pee mai
Polish: Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
Portuguese: Feliz Ano Novo
Russian: S Novim Godom
Serbo-Croatian: Scecna nova godina
Spanish: Feliz Ano Neuvo or Prospero Ano Nuev

Turkish: Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Vietnamese: Cung-Chuc Tan-Xuan
 Swedish God Jul Gott Nytt Ar - Merry Christmas And Happy New year
Auld Lang Syne
The song, "Auld Lang Syne," is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English- speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year. In spite of the popularity of 'Auld Lang Syne', it has aptly been described as the song that nobody knows. Even in Scotland, hardly a gathering sings it correctly, without some members of the party butchering the words.
Written by Robert Burns in 1741, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. "Auld Lang Syne" literally means "old long ago," or simply, "the good old days."
Auld Lang Syne by Robert Burns
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
We twa hae run aboot the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine;
we've wander'd mony a weary foot
Sin' auld lang syne
We two hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae mornin' sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne
And here's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Happy new year - New year's resolutions

We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.  ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce


New Year's is a unique holiday as it's the only holiday that celebrates the passage of time.

Perhaps that's why, as the final seconds of the year tick away, we tend to become introspective.

Then we wonder: how did time get away from us?

And why did all of our hopes and dreams never materialize?

Inevitably, that introspection turns to thoughts of
self-improvement and the annual ritual of making Resolutions.

We all do it. We swear to ourselves, "This is THE year" for
transforming our lives and fulfilling our goals.

We are determined to keep all the promises  to lose weight, stop
smoking, make more money, be more patient...



What resolutions did you make? Are they amongst the top ten?


Top ten resolutions


1. Spend more time with family and friends
2. Fit in fitness
3. Lose weight
4. Quit smoking
5. Enjoy life more
6. Quit drinking
7.Get out of debt
8. Learn something new
9. Help others
10. Get organised



New Year's Resolutions don't just have to be about losing weight or quitting smoking! Though these are certainly worthy endeavors, if you've been wishing to develop your creativity or drawing technique, now is the time to make these wishes into tangible goals. Pick one of these great ideas, write it out on a piece of paper, and stick it on your fridge or mirror as a daily reminder of your creative priority for the year.


1..I will make time for my art.
2. I will keep a daily sketch book.
3. I will study Anatomy and figure drawing.
4. I will study the old masters.
5. I will create a portfolio.
6. I will keep a journal of ideas.
7. I will practice drawing from life.


Whether you keep to your resolutions or break them will depend on your thinking process.




Earl Nightingale said 'You become what you think about."  Napoleon Hill said “Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve." And now, in the poem '"e Victor" by C W Longenecker, another example of how to get our thinking processes working for us rather than against us.


The Victor
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win but think you can't,
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you're lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will.
It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you are out classed, you are.
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of your-self before
You can ever win the prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.
You are what you believe.  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!



What do you want?
 What you want should be tangible. Which means you can see it and touch it. 
Being happy or having more money doesn’t count because they are the results of getting what you want.
The better question is “What are you willing to “DO” to achieve your dreams?”
Wow! That is vastly different. 
Are you ready to commit to your own success? 
You have most likely contributed to someone else’s success. It’s your turn!
You can want something and talk, talk, talk about it, but until you actually DO something about your wants, it will remain stuck as a topic of discussion.
Surprisingly, if you think about it, it is the little things like making a phone call, making notes, doing research, talking to someone, making a list of what needs to be done that will make ALL the difference. Little steps move you to turning your dream into a reality




 Never forget that you are in control of your destiny.


 Only you can change the course of your life by giving yourself direction and permission to live the life of your dreams.
Remember it is not what you want, but what you DO that produces results!


You are what you believe.  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! 





Also if you want to succeed Remember this golden rule: Write down your goal or resolution.



The simple mechanical act of writing makes your goal visible and tangible. That’s no longer just a thought!
     Now it’s a commitment.





Reaching for and achieving truly big things in life requires not just action, but knowledge - often very specific knowledge.  Not knowing what to do or how to do it is a core ingredient in the recipe for failure.  Most people fail not because they don't know what to do today, but because they don't go learn what to do tomorrow. And with learning your self respect, your self esteem, your skills, your opportunities will grow

Today is the day - Time waits for no one. 
No day can ever be lived again. o day can ever be lived again. 
 Most people literally waste their opportunities by wasting their time and then cry about having no time to do all the things they want to do... and truly believe it.
It's amazing how much impact a few great habits can have on a person's life.  Habits like placing a high value on your time.  Habits like using spare moments to learn, to finish projects, to do errands, to pick up after yourself, to plan, to organize.  Habits that failures scoff at.  




As you will find not every goal will be fully achieved. Not every job will end successfully. Not every relationship will endure. Not every hope will come to pass. Not every love will last. Not every endeavor will be completed. Not every dream will be realized. But enjoy the journey and look at what you have achieved and what you have learned and remember the people who have left their soul prints.



A dream written down with a date becomes a goal,
a goal broken down becomes a plan,
a plan backed by action makes your dreams come true.
Now, that you've been given (or reminded of) this very simple way to accomplish your goals, what will you write down and start doing today so that this year will be your best one ever?


References: http://www.gotresolutions.com
Mew year's resolutions How to make them and achieve them. http://www.gotresolutions.com/report_download.html


http://www.how-to-set-and-achieve-a-goal.com/





"Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true."  Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1850