Me,Myself and I

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Aberdare, South Wales, United Kingdom
I am a seeker of the truth. Honesty & Integrity are very important to me. I am a student of life who Loves to learn from Life and friends. I live by a system of values and honorable principles. I am a harmony seeking idealist. I am keen to understand others,and what makes them tick.I seek ways to improve my mental ability.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

I look at My Mother and I see My self.

I look in the mirror and what do I see? I see my mother looking back at me.

My Mother's mother dies when my mum was five.....
My mother didn't know how to give love, so when my son was born I wasn't sure if I was able to show love either.
Where was I going to learn how to give love? I Had never known it as a child myself.
You can't learn it from books. You can't grow up in a home of hostility and not reflect on it later.
Maybe I shouldn't have become a Mother. It is a major responsibility. What if I fail?.
I take that back. I should have been a parent because I want to and can give my child everything a child needs. This I believe with all my heart. But both my boys have turned away from my efforts to give them love.

   Maybe I am doing something wrong. I wish i had been taught better parenting skills and Social skills. There should be some form of education, how to convey love to a child. I didn't know how to get love as a child and so have problems giving it. I thought to be loved I had to be perfect...hence why I am a perfectionist today. I need to begin by giving myself

    The first thing it can be said that a mother honestly feels in relation to herself is Self love. The child is essentially a narcissistic extension of herself. My boys used to be a part of me, and although I was separated when the cord was cut, I still see them as an extension of myself. When my eldest lad was missing for two years, I felt a part of myself was missing too. When your children are all that you hoped they would be it's easy to live up to societies injunction that I love baby as much as I do myself.

But if there is something about the baby i.e its a girl when you had your heart set on it being a boy, or if the baby is too fat or too thin, too lethargic that makes you feel less than the exaltation that you are led to expect. She must deny it. Any wound to her narcissism - that part of you where all emotions flow must be in unacknowledged, repressed, unfelt. And if post-depression enters it begins in the silence she must maintain if her child doesn't fulfill her fantasy of perfect material bliss.
The glorification of motherhood demands that once the child is born we are to remove autonomy over her own feelings. Being a mother seemed to be my role in life. But being a mother is scary, plus I was a young mum, naive and inexperienced.
Motherhood can be lonely. Sometimes I get angry, but fear failure. I have felt rage, anger and frustration. I so wanted to be a good mother and give  my boys a good childhood. I tried. But trying wasn't enough I still managed to fail my boys.

I grew up and decided my life wouldn't be like my mother but how wrong I was. Although I can see my mother's weaknesses in myself, I also gained my strengths from My mum's teaching's and her weaknesses. The sociological significance of the mother's role is immense: My relationship with my children and my guidance in their growing years influence the formation of values and attitudes they will carry throughout their lives. This worries me. I know that I wasn't really mature enough to be a mother and I worry if I have taught them enough about having values and hopefully a  moral conscience, a respect for society, a desire to contribute to the well-being of humankind, and, most important, a love of God and a love for self that will bring everlasting joy and inner peace.

Quote:  The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.”

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